It has been a LONG while since my last posting, and that has been intentional. Though I've wanted to gush out my thoughts on this page, I have been held back by fear. I wish I didn't fear things: what people will think; whether God will "punish" me/withhold His love; that I will "speak things into being"; facing the feelings deep down; of having another year pass without being blessed with a child, etc...
The adoption process seems to have halted, even though we have not pulled the plug on it. A couple of weeks ago, we got notice from the agency that they needed to tweak our bio page (in hopes of better appealing to birth families). In doing that, they needed to remove some info about Greg's girls and have it more about us as a couple. Naively, I'd hoped that the week they changed our info, we would get a call saying we'd been chosen. Didn't happen.
Even before that, though, with Greg starting his new job, he found out our new medical insurance covered most fertility treatments 80%. So...hesitantly, we started down that road. I had kind of hoped that each of my doctors would "close the door" on that option, so we wouldn't have to make that grown-up decision...but alas, the neurologist, gynocologist and peri-natal gynocologist all encouraged us to walk through the door: "You're not as old as you think you are!" (I guess turning 40 is no big deal -NBD- in their books) "Since we don't know what caused your stroke, you are free to go forward with this, and get back in touch if you become pregnant!" "If you can get pregnant, I can keep you pregnant", etc...
Greg had to do some "pre-testing" before we talk to the fertility doc. So, we got signed in to the "Collection Room" and nervously giggling like school-children, we got ready for the tests. We thought they would be calling us with the results, but a couple of weeks passed, and we heard nothing. I feared the results, so I tried to bury my head in the sand, but two days ago, I decided that it was time to know the verdict. Turns out, I did have reason to fear the results...they were not good. :( So, not only do I have major fertility issues preventing me from becoming pregnant, Greg has some of his own. I cried in my car after getting the news, but I don't want to be the one closing the door, so I'm going to wait for tomorrow.
Tomorrow, Greg and I have a day trip planned to go to Carmel, IN, to meet with the fertility doctor there. We would have had to wait until October 17th to get into the Fort Wayne office, and it has been torturous enough waiting for September 8th! As much as I want to say I don't hold out much hope, there is a glimmer that Dr. B. can turn things around. I might just well be off my rocker!
I have prayed and talked to Greg about the fact that if the Lord doesn't want me to be a mom, then I need Him to make things a heck of a lot clearer to me than what they are now. My heart aches to be a mommy. My whole life was geared toward this! (at least I think it was...but then again, I don't want to waste my years longing for what wasn't meant to be).
So, tomorrow is the big day. If it's a "Nay", then I will be sad and remorseful, but also longing for the adoption process to work in our favour. If it's a "Yes", then I will be scared about the process that follows! I hate pain, and wish to avoid it most of my days. Physical, emotional, and spiritual pain cannot be avoided, I'm realizing.
It helps to have my best friend with me for the journey. And it helps to have friends giving you things like the book "Finding Inner Courage". Guess I'll have to spend some time reading that and some encouraging Scripture. Must. Squelch. Fear!
Excited to be going to our first adoption meeting!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
doors opening?
I am scheduled for an interview tomorrow. Kinda nervous, but VERY excited!
Because my current employment isn't a for-sure thing over the summer, and I feel the need to keep contributing to our "debt-reduction" plan, I am searching for employment for part of the summer.
This job opportunity seemed to drop in my lap...and I'm hoping it's a door opening to continue working in the art field. My friend told me that her friend might be hiring teachers for a summer "clubhouse", and one of those teachers needed might be an art teacher. As it turns out, the Art Teacher position is the only one that isn't filled. I'd say that I kinda fit the bill. I've had numerous years of experience teaching both in the classroom, as well as creating my own "Beyond Stickmen Summer Art Camps", so I'm going to take the opportunity to brag about my experiences.
I'm going to spend a good part of today OFF my computer, and IN my studio, searching for proof that I can do this job well. I'd taken pictures from my summer camps, as well as from my students' work, so I'm hoping to be able to scrounge up those pictures to take with me tomorrow.
The pros about this summer job:
Because my current employment isn't a for-sure thing over the summer, and I feel the need to keep contributing to our "debt-reduction" plan, I am searching for employment for part of the summer.
This job opportunity seemed to drop in my lap...and I'm hoping it's a door opening to continue working in the art field. My friend told me that her friend might be hiring teachers for a summer "clubhouse", and one of those teachers needed might be an art teacher. As it turns out, the Art Teacher position is the only one that isn't filled. I'd say that I kinda fit the bill. I've had numerous years of experience teaching both in the classroom, as well as creating my own "Beyond Stickmen Summer Art Camps", so I'm going to take the opportunity to brag about my experiences.
I'm going to spend a good part of today OFF my computer, and IN my studio, searching for proof that I can do this job well. I'd taken pictures from my summer camps, as well as from my students' work, so I'm hoping to be able to scrounge up those pictures to take with me tomorrow.
The pros about this summer job:
- it's only a month long, so we could still have some vacation time
- 5 days a week, 8 hours a day
- salary starts at $25/hour (I think), which would fund our vacation time and pay down more debt
- I'd be teaching small groups of elementary-aged kids
- I'd plan the lessons
- I'd be back in the art-realm :)
- I was told that once I'm in, I'm "in"!
The cons about this summer job:
- 8 hours a day (I get sleepy in the afternoons)
- it starts at 7:30 a.m., and takes at least a 1/2 hour to get there, and I'm NOT A MORNING PERSON!
- that's all that I can think of at the moment
I'm going to be scooting out after my current job's parenting classes end at 3:30 tomorrow to be interviewed at the Georgetown Library at 4:00.
I really hope this is a door opening! I like open doors...and windows...and hearts♥
Now it' time to get in my studio. Fun, fun, fun!
And then, I hope to try to figure out how to change the format of my blog. I'm getting bored with it, so I can only imagine others probably are, too.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Continuing down the road...
My eyebrow twitched for most of the day today. Usually my eye takes that role, but for some reason (lack of sleep and no lack of anxiety), my eyebrow decided to take over. It felt weird.
Two things were causing particular anxiety. Two nights ago, I bit off all my nails as a result: this morning I had a counseling session with my step-daughter, and I didn't know what to expect. Right afterward, Greg and I had to go to Indianapolis for an uncomfortable meeting with the Adoption Center, and I didn't know what to expect. Of course, my mind was making up all kinds of different "worst case scenarios" that caused 75% of my angst!
Surprisingly, the counseling session went well. I LOVE my counselor, who carried the conversation with appropriate questions and encouraging comments. My step-daughter suggested she attend a session with me, in order to "reconcile" our relationship. I had my doubts, my fears, my anxieties, my defenses...and for the most part, they all have subsided. I was thankful for my counselor as well as for my step-daughter's openness to growth and maturity. I think it moved our relationship onto healing ground, and I am thankful! ♥
Greg and I had an appointment to meet with the director of the Adoption Center, so we could discuss the failed adoption and our pain from feeling neglected that weekend. We had told her about the whole weekend already, so she would be prepared to respond to us. She had to leave in an emergency with her mom, so she asked the assistant director to take her place. I was actually quite relieved when we found out that's with whom we would be processing our "junk."
Greg spoke much more than I thought he would at our appointment. I liked what he had to say because I could tell that he felt very protective of us, of me, and of the baby we didn't get to take home. I liked that I wasn't the only one who was so hurt by our experience; that I wasn't the only one wanting a successful adoption; that my husband is truly my partner in this journey.
We received a couple of apologies and clearer information about what our expectations should be when we experience a match again. We also received assurance that the Adoption Center is re-vamping their policies, using our and others' feedback.
The assistant director helped us understand that our social worker's response to us in our grief was not a typical response from her, and she apologized for that. A couple of times. She also offered us a hug "even though it's a month late."
HOLY EMOTIONAL DAY!! We are both exhausted. But my eyebrow ain't twitchin' anymore! ;-)
Now we wait to be matched with another birth mom.
And we continue to pray.
Two things were causing particular anxiety. Two nights ago, I bit off all my nails as a result: this morning I had a counseling session with my step-daughter, and I didn't know what to expect. Right afterward, Greg and I had to go to Indianapolis for an uncomfortable meeting with the Adoption Center, and I didn't know what to expect. Of course, my mind was making up all kinds of different "worst case scenarios" that caused 75% of my angst!
Surprisingly, the counseling session went well. I LOVE my counselor, who carried the conversation with appropriate questions and encouraging comments. My step-daughter suggested she attend a session with me, in order to "reconcile" our relationship. I had my doubts, my fears, my anxieties, my defenses...and for the most part, they all have subsided. I was thankful for my counselor as well as for my step-daughter's openness to growth and maturity. I think it moved our relationship onto healing ground, and I am thankful! ♥
Greg and I had an appointment to meet with the director of the Adoption Center, so we could discuss the failed adoption and our pain from feeling neglected that weekend. We had told her about the whole weekend already, so she would be prepared to respond to us. She had to leave in an emergency with her mom, so she asked the assistant director to take her place. I was actually quite relieved when we found out that's with whom we would be processing our "junk."
Greg spoke much more than I thought he would at our appointment. I liked what he had to say because I could tell that he felt very protective of us, of me, and of the baby we didn't get to take home. I liked that I wasn't the only one who was so hurt by our experience; that I wasn't the only one wanting a successful adoption; that my husband is truly my partner in this journey.
We received a couple of apologies and clearer information about what our expectations should be when we experience a match again. We also received assurance that the Adoption Center is re-vamping their policies, using our and others' feedback.
The assistant director helped us understand that our social worker's response to us in our grief was not a typical response from her, and she apologized for that. A couple of times. She also offered us a hug "even though it's a month late."
HOLY EMOTIONAL DAY!! We are both exhausted. But my eyebrow ain't twitchin' anymore! ;-)
Now we wait to be matched with another birth mom.
And we continue to pray.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Now...
I would like to be able to process about the failed adoption, but I'm too raw right now. I'm afraid of delving into my emotions...maybe in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I'm really tired, have up and downs, and am trying to keep my trust in the Lord and His timing and provision. For now...it sucks to not have a baby in our home and in our arms. :-(
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Lessons in Hairballs
As I was looking through various blogs this morning, thinking of doing a new post of my own, my cat Annabelle jumped up on the loveseat beside me. She started kneading the brown afghan lying there, and then Bella snuggled in to enjoy a rest. She always purrs when she kneads blankets, and this time was no different. What was different, however, is that when she laid down to rest, she started having difficulty purring and breathing without getting clogged up. The old familiar gutteral clog of a hairball was rearing its ugly head, and so she hacked for awhile. I debated sending her off the loveseat, out of fear that she might gag up the hairball on the furniture or afghan, but instead, I just decided to show her some affection. I kept patting her and kissing behind her ears. She purred more...and gagged more, too. But, eventually, the gagging stopped and Annabelle just kept on purring, happy to have her "mommy" loving on her through the grossness.
Lesson: in reflecting on this time with Bella, I also reflected on the past few days...yesterday Greg and I started seriously considering "pulling the plug" on our current birth mom, K. Over the weekend, she went from wanting to raise the child with the baby-daddy, to wanting more money (but being refused it by the adoption social worker, since K was considering doing the parenting herself so she would no longer be receiving money from them/us), to going back to being willing to place her child for adoption. Not only that, but she's quite upset with our choice of names for the baby and that we won't be going with her choice! Since when does that ever happen??? We thought we were honoring K by using her middle name, but apparently for this 17 year-old, it wasn't enough. Well, after receiving that news on Monday, I thought and prayed through some things, and received advice from several good friends. Greg began thinking that maybe we should pull the plug and see if the adoption center could start looking for a different birth mom for us. Others recommended that we "walk away now". So, of course that got me thinking and praying and fearing more.
Yesterday, I was finding it hard to breathe. I took a couple of extra puffs from my inhaler, but to no avail...I couldn't get a deep breath. Thankfully, I had a counseling appointment lastnight, and my counselor talked me through some of my fears of feeling desperate for a baby (the biological clock still ticks when you're waiting to adopt, by the way!), and fears of not being chosen by another birth mom, fears of "looking bad" in the eyes of the adoption center workers, etc. Those fears, like Annabelle's hairball, were causing me to choke. As I expressed my fears to my counselor, to family, to my friends, and to my husband, they all gave me "emotional pats" to get me through this rough patch. I'm so thankful for their presence beside me in this journey. Greg and I have been praying for a peaceful decision. We're waiting to hear from the adoption social worker A, who is meeting with K later today. I have reached the point where I am actually at peace with letting this one go. We don't need a birth mom who isn't ready or willing to move on with her life and who keeps making demands of us, the ones choosing to raise and love her child forever. We don't need to be on this roller coaster.
Like Annabelle lying beside me, I'm going to keep breathing in spite of these hairballs! ;-)
Lesson: in reflecting on this time with Bella, I also reflected on the past few days...yesterday Greg and I started seriously considering "pulling the plug" on our current birth mom, K. Over the weekend, she went from wanting to raise the child with the baby-daddy, to wanting more money (but being refused it by the adoption social worker, since K was considering doing the parenting herself so she would no longer be receiving money from them/us), to going back to being willing to place her child for adoption. Not only that, but she's quite upset with our choice of names for the baby and that we won't be going with her choice! Since when does that ever happen??? We thought we were honoring K by using her middle name, but apparently for this 17 year-old, it wasn't enough. Well, after receiving that news on Monday, I thought and prayed through some things, and received advice from several good friends. Greg began thinking that maybe we should pull the plug and see if the adoption center could start looking for a different birth mom for us. Others recommended that we "walk away now". So, of course that got me thinking and praying and fearing more.
Yesterday, I was finding it hard to breathe. I took a couple of extra puffs from my inhaler, but to no avail...I couldn't get a deep breath. Thankfully, I had a counseling appointment lastnight, and my counselor talked me through some of my fears of feeling desperate for a baby (the biological clock still ticks when you're waiting to adopt, by the way!), and fears of not being chosen by another birth mom, fears of "looking bad" in the eyes of the adoption center workers, etc. Those fears, like Annabelle's hairball, were causing me to choke. As I expressed my fears to my counselor, to family, to my friends, and to my husband, they all gave me "emotional pats" to get me through this rough patch. I'm so thankful for their presence beside me in this journey. Greg and I have been praying for a peaceful decision. We're waiting to hear from the adoption social worker A, who is meeting with K later today. I have reached the point where I am actually at peace with letting this one go. We don't need a birth mom who isn't ready or willing to move on with her life and who keeps making demands of us, the ones choosing to raise and love her child forever. We don't need to be on this roller coaster.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Humanly Trying Not to be Disappointed...
Okay, trying isn't getting me much of anywhere. I'm disappointed. My fears are overwhelming in this adoption journey, and our meeting with the birthmom, K, and her mom, S, didn't help much yesterday. Because of some things that S mentioned, we are afraid K won't go through with the adoption in the end, and it's hard to not get attached to that little one growing inside K! They said she could go into labour any day now (which is both exciting and scary!)
We asked K if we could use her middle name as the baby's middle name. She was fine with that. Once S finally realized what we were asking, she was tickled with that idea. It's a nice name. But, what K is concerned with is the last name. She doesn't realize that once her baby is placed, she'll take the last name of the family adopting her. She wants the baby to have her last name. This was only one of the naive assumptions we were made aware of yesterday. I can't even think of others right now, but I am discouraged by most of it.
I have to call the adoption agency tomorrow to ask them to speak more clearly about things with K. To find out her expectations, beliefs, etc. and to set her straight on some of the realities. I'm nervous about that, too. I want to write a letter to the baby (for later years), but my emotions are kinda whacked, and I think I'm afraid it will set me up for more disappointment. We'll see.
I have to rely on God's Word during these times, even though it's hard to focus on it: Jeremiah 29:11~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future." That has been one of my "life verses" for years, along with some others. I think I'm going to have to delve into them in the morning to set my heart & mind at ease.
K & S asked if we would meet them again before the childbirth, and I'm rather hesitant, to be honest. It took a lot of planning & anxiety to make this last meeting work out, and I'm afraid of how vulnerable I'm going to feel any closer to the actual date.
Okay, morning tasks: coffee & focus on Jer. 29:11, Zephaniah 3:17, etc...
We asked K if we could use her middle name as the baby's middle name. She was fine with that. Once S finally realized what we were asking, she was tickled with that idea. It's a nice name. But, what K is concerned with is the last name. She doesn't realize that once her baby is placed, she'll take the last name of the family adopting her. She wants the baby to have her last name. This was only one of the naive assumptions we were made aware of yesterday. I can't even think of others right now, but I am discouraged by most of it.
I have to call the adoption agency tomorrow to ask them to speak more clearly about things with K. To find out her expectations, beliefs, etc. and to set her straight on some of the realities. I'm nervous about that, too. I want to write a letter to the baby (for later years), but my emotions are kinda whacked, and I think I'm afraid it will set me up for more disappointment. We'll see.
I have to rely on God's Word during these times, even though it's hard to focus on it: Jeremiah 29:11~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future." That has been one of my "life verses" for years, along with some others. I think I'm going to have to delve into them in the morning to set my heart & mind at ease.
K & S asked if we would meet them again before the childbirth, and I'm rather hesitant, to be honest. It took a lot of planning & anxiety to make this last meeting work out, and I'm afraid of how vulnerable I'm going to feel any closer to the actual date.
Okay, morning tasks: coffee & focus on Jer. 29:11, Zephaniah 3:17, etc...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Texting & "Tattling"
I had an almost sleepless night lastnight, tossing and turning throughout the entire night and morning. My mind was disturbed and my gut was wrenching with the details of yesterday's conversations. My counseling appointment (regarding my issues with my stepdaughter) was less at the forefront after having a texting conversation with our birthmom, K.
I'd texted K (CONFESSION: honestly, in an effort to appear "cool" in her eyes) instead of calling her about meeting up this weekend. She said she had to get with her mom to discuss details so she'd get back to me, but she had a question for us: "Do u think u will be wellin 2 have an open one cuz i would like 2 see her after i have her" I responded, "Absolutely! We want her 2 know about u & get 2 know u as much as possible. Our friends abby & wes see their birthmom about every 6-8 weeks. Do u think that would work 4 u? Like i said b/4, we want 2 save & send pictures 2 u 2."
Then came the reason for the knot in my stomach: "Dat fine but i can see her like every 3 weeks but i guess we can talk bout dis when we see each other if dat ok."
EVERY THREE WEEKS!!???!! More air out of my balloon, and an upset stomach to boot! I remember a conversation I had with Greg's niece, D, who has adopted two children. She bonded with her first right away, but she had difficulty bonding with her second b/c the birthmom wanted more and more contact (texting frequently, and wanting to see the baby every three weeks or so) UGH.
I want to bond with our baby immediately. I know there will be some bonds automatically, as I find it easy to love (esp. babies!), but I also know that having K's constant involvement will prevent me from feeling like I'm truly baby's mommy. I need! I need!
So, after having a completely restless night, I resolved to call our social worker at the adoption agency this morning. Good thing I did. She had almost the same reaction as I! "Three weeks?!? That's too often! Even 6-8 weeks is too often, but if that's what you want, it's up to you. I'll call K and talk to her about it. She's young, though, so usually when they're young, they want more contact; plus, time is running out (it's almost her due date) so she's panicking a bit. But yes, three weeks is too often. You need to bond with the baby. I'll talk with K and let her know this."
PHEW!!!! I'm not a crazy, possessive adoptive mommy afterall!
I'd texted K (CONFESSION: honestly, in an effort to appear "cool" in her eyes) instead of calling her about meeting up this weekend. She said she had to get with her mom to discuss details so she'd get back to me, but she had a question for us: "Do u think u will be wellin 2 have an open one cuz i would like 2 see her after i have her" I responded, "Absolutely! We want her 2 know about u & get 2 know u as much as possible. Our friends abby & wes see their birthmom about every 6-8 weeks. Do u think that would work 4 u? Like i said b/4, we want 2 save & send pictures 2 u 2."
Then came the reason for the knot in my stomach: "Dat fine but i can see her like every 3 weeks but i guess we can talk bout dis when we see each other if dat ok."
EVERY THREE WEEKS!!???!! More air out of my balloon, and an upset stomach to boot! I remember a conversation I had with Greg's niece, D, who has adopted two children. She bonded with her first right away, but she had difficulty bonding with her second b/c the birthmom wanted more and more contact (texting frequently, and wanting to see the baby every three weeks or so) UGH.
I want to bond with our baby immediately. I know there will be some bonds automatically, as I find it easy to love (esp. babies!), but I also know that having K's constant involvement will prevent me from feeling like I'm truly baby's mommy. I need! I need!
So, after having a completely restless night, I resolved to call our social worker at the adoption agency this morning. Good thing I did. She had almost the same reaction as I! "Three weeks?!? That's too often! Even 6-8 weeks is too often, but if that's what you want, it's up to you. I'll call K and talk to her about it. She's young, though, so usually when they're young, they want more contact; plus, time is running out (it's almost her due date) so she's panicking a bit. But yes, three weeks is too often. You need to bond with the baby. I'll talk with K and let her know this."
PHEW!!!! I'm not a crazy, possessive adoptive mommy afterall!
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