Fear Constrains Me

It has been a LONG while since my last posting, and that has been intentional.  Though I've wanted to gush out my thoughts on this page, I have been held back by fear.  I wish I didn't fear things: what people will think; whether God will "punish" me/withhold His love; that I will "speak things into being"; facing the feelings deep down; of having another year pass without being blessed with a child, etc...


The adoption process seems to have halted, even though we have not pulled the plug on it.  A couple of weeks ago, we got notice from the agency that they needed to tweak our bio page (in hopes of better appealing to birth families).  In doing that, they needed to remove some info about Greg's girls and have it more about us as a couple.  Naively, I'd hoped that the week they changed our info, we would get a call saying we'd been chosen.  Didn't happen.


Even before that, though, with Greg starting his new job, he found out our new medical insurance covered most fertility treatments 80%.  So...hesitantly, we started down that road.  I had kind of hoped that each of my doctors would "close the door" on that option, so we wouldn't have to make that grown-up decision...but alas, the neurologist, gynocologist and peri-natal gynocologist all encouraged us to walk through the door: "You're not as old as you think you are!" (I guess turning 40 is no big deal -NBD- in their books)  "Since we don't know what caused your stroke, you are free to go forward with this, and get back in touch if you become pregnant!"  "If you can get pregnant, I can keep you pregnant", etc...


Greg had to do some "pre-testing" before we talk to the fertility doc.  So, we got signed in to the "Collection Room" and nervously giggling like school-children, we got ready for the tests.   We thought they would be calling us with the results, but a couple of weeks passed, and we heard nothing.  I feared the results, so I tried to bury my head in the sand, but two days ago, I decided that it was time to know the verdict.  Turns out, I did have reason to fear the results...they were not good. :(  So, not only do I have major fertility issues preventing me from becoming pregnant, Greg has some of his own.  I cried in my car after getting the news, but I don't want to be the one closing the door, so I'm going to wait for tomorrow.


Tomorrow, Greg and I have a day trip planned to go to Carmel, IN, to meet with the fertility doctor there.  We would have had to wait until October 17th to get into the Fort Wayne office, and it has been torturous enough waiting for September 8th!  As much as I want to say I don't hold out much hope, there is a glimmer that Dr. B. can turn things around.  I might just well be off my rocker!


I have prayed and talked to Greg about the fact that if the Lord doesn't want me to be a mom, then I need Him to make things a heck of a lot clearer to me than what they are now.  My heart aches to be a mommy.  My whole life was geared toward this! (at least I think it was...but then again, I don't want to waste my years longing for what wasn't meant to be).


So, tomorrow is the big day.  If it's a "Nay", then I will be sad and remorseful, but also longing for the adoption process to work in our favour.  If it's a "Yes", then I will be scared about the process that follows!  I hate pain, and wish to avoid it most of my days.  Physical, emotional, and spiritual pain cannot be avoided, I'm realizing.  


It helps to have my best friend with me for the journey.  And it helps to have friends giving you things like the book "Finding Inner Courage".  Guess I'll have to spend some time reading that and some encouraging Scripture.  Must. Squelch. Fear!