Lessons in Hairballs

As I was looking through various blogs this morning, thinking of doing a new post of my own, my cat Annabelle jumped up on the loveseat beside me.  She started kneading the brown afghan lying there, and then Bella snuggled in to enjoy a rest.  She always purrs when she kneads blankets, and this time was no different.  What was different, however, is that when she laid down to rest, she started having difficulty purring and breathing without getting clogged up.  The old familiar gutteral clog of a hairball was rearing its ugly head, and so she hacked for awhile.  I debated sending her off the loveseat, out of fear that she might gag up the hairball on the furniture or afghan, but instead, I just decided to show her some affection.  I kept patting her and kissing behind her ears.  She purred more...and gagged more, too.  But, eventually, the gagging stopped and Annabelle just kept on purring, happy to have her "mommy" loving on her through the grossness.

Lesson: in reflecting on this time with Bella, I also reflected on the past few days...yesterday Greg and I started seriously considering "pulling the plug" on our current birth mom, K.  Over the weekend, she went from wanting to raise the child with the baby-daddy, to wanting more money (but being refused it by the adoption social worker, since K was considering doing the parenting herself so she would no longer be receiving money from them/us), to going back to being willing to place her child for adoption.  Not only that, but she's quite upset with our choice of names for the baby and that we won't be going with her choice!  Since when does that ever happen???  We thought we were honoring K by using her middle name, but apparently for this 17 year-old, it wasn't enough.  Well, after receiving that news on Monday, I thought and prayed through some things, and received advice from several good friends.  Greg began thinking that maybe we should pull the plug and see if the adoption center could start looking for a different birth mom for us.  Others recommended that we "walk away now".  So, of course that got me thinking and praying and fearing more.

Yesterday, I was finding it hard to breathe.  I took a couple of extra puffs from my inhaler, but to no avail...I couldn't get a deep breath.  Thankfully, I had a counseling appointment lastnight, and my counselor talked me through some of my fears of feeling desperate for a baby (the biological clock still ticks when you're waiting to adopt, by the way!),  and fears of not being chosen by another birth mom, fears of "looking bad" in the eyes of the adoption center workers, etc.  Those fears, like Annabelle's hairball, were causing me to choke.  As I expressed my fears to my counselor, to family, to my friends, and to my husband, they all gave me "emotional pats" to get me through this rough patch.  I'm so thankful for their presence beside me in this journey.  Greg and I have been praying for a peaceful decision.  We're waiting to hear from the adoption social worker A, who is meeting with K later today.  I have reached the point where I am actually at peace with letting this one go.  We don't need a birth mom who isn't ready or willing to move on with her life and who keeps making demands of us, the ones choosing to raise and love her child forever.  We don't need to be on this roller coaster. 

Like Annabelle lying beside me, I'm going to keep breathing in spite of these hairballs!  ;-)