As I was looking through various blogs this morning, thinking of doing a new post of my own, my cat Annabelle jumped up on the loveseat beside me. She started kneading the brown afghan lying there, and then Bella snuggled in to enjoy a rest. She always purrs when she kneads blankets, and this time was no different. What was different, however, is that when she laid down to rest, she started having difficulty purring and breathing without getting clogged up. The old familiar gutteral clog of a hairball was rearing its ugly head, and so she hacked for awhile. I debated sending her off the loveseat, out of fear that she might gag up the hairball on the furniture or afghan, but instead, I just decided to show her some affection. I kept patting her and kissing behind her ears. She purred more...and gagged more, too. But, eventually, the gagging stopped and Annabelle just kept on purring, happy to have her "mommy" loving on her through the grossness.
Lesson: in reflecting on this time with Bella, I also reflected on the past few days...yesterday Greg and I started seriously considering "pulling the plug" on our current birth mom, K. Over the weekend, she went from wanting to raise the child with the baby-daddy, to wanting more money (but being refused it by the adoption social worker, since K was considering doing the parenting herself so she would no longer be receiving money from them/us), to going back to being willing to place her child for adoption. Not only that, but she's quite upset with our choice of names for the baby and that we won't be going with her choice! Since when does that ever happen??? We thought we were honoring K by using her middle name, but apparently for this 17 year-old, it wasn't enough. Well, after receiving that news on Monday, I thought and prayed through some things, and received advice from several good friends. Greg began thinking that maybe we should pull the plug and see if the adoption center could start looking for a different birth mom for us. Others recommended that we "walk away now". So, of course that got me thinking and praying and fearing more.
Yesterday, I was finding it hard to breathe. I took a couple of extra puffs from my inhaler, but to no avail...I couldn't get a deep breath. Thankfully, I had a counseling appointment lastnight, and my counselor talked me through some of my fears of feeling desperate for a baby (the biological clock still ticks when you're waiting to adopt, by the way!), and fears of not being chosen by another birth mom, fears of "looking bad" in the eyes of the adoption center workers, etc. Those fears, like Annabelle's hairball, were causing me to choke. As I expressed my fears to my counselor, to family, to my friends, and to my husband, they all gave me "emotional pats" to get me through this rough patch. I'm so thankful for their presence beside me in this journey. Greg and I have been praying for a peaceful decision. We're waiting to hear from the adoption social worker A, who is meeting with K later today. I have reached the point where I am actually at peace with letting this one go. We don't need a birth mom who isn't ready or willing to move on with her life and who keeps making demands of us, the ones choosing to raise and love her child forever. We don't need to be on this roller coaster.
Okay, trying isn't getting me much of anywhere. I'm disappointed. My fears are overwhelming in this adoption journey, and our meeting with the birthmom, K, and her mom, S, didn't help much yesterday. Because of some things that S mentioned, we are afraid K won't go through with the adoption in the end, and it's hard to not get attached to that little one growing inside K! They said she could go into labour any day now (which is both exciting and scary!)
We asked K if we could use her middle name as the baby's middle name. She was fine with that. Once S finally realized what we were asking, she was tickled with that idea. It's a nice name. But, what K is concerned with is the last name. She doesn't realize that once her baby is placed, she'll take the last name of the family adopting her. She wants the baby to have her last name. This was only one of the naive assumptions we were made aware of yesterday. I can't even think of others right now, but I am discouraged by most of it.
I have to call the adoption agency tomorrow to ask them to speak more clearly about things with K. To find out her expectations, beliefs, etc. and to set her straight on some of the realities. I'm nervous about that, too. I want to write a letter to the baby (for later years), but my emotions are kinda whacked, and I think I'm afraid it will set me up for more disappointment. We'll see.
I have to rely on God's Word during these times, even though it's hard to focus on it: Jeremiah 29:11~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future." That has been one of my "life verses" for years, along with some others. I think I'm going to have to delve into them in the morning to set my heart & mind at ease.
K & S asked if we would meet them again before the childbirth, and I'm rather hesitant, to be honest. It took a lot of planning & anxiety to make this last meeting work out, and I'm afraid of how vulnerable I'm going to feel any closer to the actual date.
Okay, morning tasks: coffee & focus on Jer. 29:11, Zephaniah 3:17, etc...
I had an almost sleepless night lastnight, tossing and turning throughout the entire night and morning. My mind was disturbed and my gut was wrenching with the details of yesterday's conversations. My counseling appointment (regarding my issues with my stepdaughter) was less at the forefront after having a texting conversation with our birthmom, K.
I'd texted K (CONFESSION: honestly, in an effort to appear "cool" in her eyes) instead of calling her about meeting up this weekend. She said she had to get with her mom to discuss details so she'd get back to me, but she had a question for us: "Do u think u will be wellin 2 have an open one cuz i would like 2 see her after i have her" I responded, "Absolutely! We want her 2 know about u & get 2 know u as much as possible. Our friends abby & wes see their birthmom about every 6-8 weeks. Do u think that would work 4 u? Like i said b/4, we want 2 save & send pictures 2 u 2."
Then came the reason for the knot in my stomach: "Dat fine but i can see her like every 3 weeks but i guess we can talk bout dis when we see each other if dat ok."
EVERY THREE WEEKS!!???!! More air out of my balloon, and an upset stomach to boot! I remember a conversation I had with Greg's niece, D, who has adopted two children. She bonded with her first right away, but she had difficulty bonding with her second b/c the birthmom wanted more and more contact (texting frequently, and wanting to see the baby every three weeks or so) UGH.
I want to bond with our baby immediately. I know there will be some bonds automatically, as I find it easy to love (esp. babies!), but I also know that having K's constant involvement will prevent me from feeling like I'm truly baby's mommy. I need! I need!
So, after having a completely restless night, I resolved to call our social worker at the adoption agency this morning. Good thing I did. She had almost the same reaction as I! "Three weeks?!? That's too often! Even 6-8 weeks is too often, but if that's what you want, it's up to you. I'll call K and talk to her about it. She's young, though, so usually when they're young, they want more contact; plus, time is running out (it's almost her due date) so she's panicking a bit. But yes, three weeks is too often. You need to bond with the baby. I'll talk with K and let her know this."
PHEW!!!! I'm not a crazy, possessive adoptive mommy afterall!
